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In recent years the question "how can I help?" has become meaningful to many people. But perhaps there is a deeper question we might consider. Perhaps the real question is not "how can I help?" but "how can I serve?" Serving is different from helping. Helping is based on inequality; it is not a relationship between equals. When you help, you use your own strength to help those of lesser strength. If I'm attentive to what's going on inside of me when I'm helping, I find that I'm always helping someone who's not as strong as I am, who is needier than I am. People feel this inequality. When we help, we may inadvertently take away from people more than we could ever give them; we may diminish their self-esteem, their sense of worth, integrity, and wholeness. When I help, I am very aware of my own strength. But we don't serve with our strength; we serve with ourselves. We draw from all of our experiences. Our limitations serve, our wounds serve, even our darkness can serve. The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in others and the wholeness in life. The wholeness in you is the same as the wholeness in me. Service is a relationship between equals. Helping incurs debt. When you help someone,
they owe you one. But serving, like Serving is also different from fixing. When I fix a person, I perceive them as broken, and their brokenness requires me to act. When I fix, I do not see the wholeness in the other person or trust the integrity of the life in them. When I serve, I see and trust that wholeness. It is what I am responding to and collaborating with. There is distance between ourselves and whatever or whomever we are fixing. Fixing is a form of judgment. All judgment creates distance, a disconnection, an experience of difference. In fixing there is an inequality of expertise that can easily become a moral distance. We cannot serve at a distance. We can serve only that to which we are profoundly connected, that which we are willing to touch. This is Mother Teresa's basic message. We serve life not because it is broken but because it is holy. If helping is an experience of strength,
fixing is an experience of mastery and expertise. Service, on the
other hand, is an experience of mystery, surrender, and awe. A fixer
has the illusion of being causal. A server knows that he or she is
being used and has a willingness to be used in the service of something
greater, something essentially unknown. Fixing and helping are very
personal; they are very particular, concrete, and specific. We fix
and help many different things in our lifetimes, but when we serve
we are always serving the same thing. Everyone who has ever served
through the history of time serves the same thing. We are servers
of the wholeness and mystery in life. Our service serves us as well as others. That which uses us strengthens us. Over time, fixing and helping are draining, depleting. Over time we burn out. Service is renewing. When we serve, our work itself will sustain us. Service rests on the basic premise that the nature of life is sacred, that life is a holy mystery with an unknown purpose. When we serve, we know that we belong to life and to that purpose. Fundamentally, helping, fixing, and service are ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak; when you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole.From the perspective of service, we are all connected: All suffering is like my suffering, and all joy is like my joy. The impulse to serve emerges naturally and inevitably from this way of seeing. Lastly, fixing and helping are the basis
of curing but not of healing. In 40 years of chronic illness, I have
been helped by many people and fixed by a great many others who did
not recognize my wholeness. All that fixing and helping left me wounded
in some important and fundamental ways. Only service heals. Serving is different from helping. Helping is based on inequality; it is not a relationship between equals. When you help, you use your own strength to help those of lesser strength. If I'm attentive to what's going on inside of me when I'm helping, I find that I'm always helping someone who's not as strong as I am, who is needier than I am. People feel this inequality. When we help, we may inadvertently take away from people more than we could ever give them; we may diminish their self-esteem, their sense of worth, integrity, and wholeness. When I help, I am very aware of my own strength. But we don't serve with our strength; we serve with ourselves. We draw from all of our experiences. Our limitations serve, our wounds serve, even our darkness can serve. The wholeness in us serves the wholeness in others and the wholeness in life. The wholeness in you is the same as the wholeness in me. Service is a relationship between equals. Helping incurs debt. When you help someone,
they owe you one. But serving, like Serving is also different from fixing. When I fix a person, I perceive them as broken, and their brokenness requires me to act. When I fix, I do not see the wholeness in the other person or trust the integrity of the life in them. When I serve, I see and trust that wholeness. It is what I am responding to and collaborating with. There is distance between ourselves and whatever or whomever we are fixing. Fixing is a form of judgment. All judgment creates distance, a disconnection, an experience of difference. In fixing there is an inequality of expertise that can easily become a moral distance. We cannot serve at a distance. We can serve only that to which we are profoundly connected, that which we are willing to touch. This is Mother Teresa's basic message. We serve life not because it is broken but because it is holy. If helping is an experience of strength,
fixing is an experience of mastery and expertise. Service, on the
other hand, is an experience of mystery, surrender, and awe. A fixer
has the illusion of being causal. A server knows that he or she is
being used and has a willingness to be used in the service of something
greater, something essentially unknown. Fixing and helping are very
personal; they are very particular, concrete, and specific. We fix
and help many different things in our lifetimes, but when we serve
we are always serving the same thing. Everyone who has ever served
through the history of time serves the same thing. We are servers
of the wholeness and mystery in life. Service rests on the basic premise that the nature of life is sacred, that life is a holy mystery with an unknown purpose. When we serve, we know that we belong to life and to that purpose. Fundamentally, helping, fixing, and service are ways of seeing life. When you help, you see life as weak; when you fix, you see life as broken. When you serve, you see life as whole. From the perspective of service, we are all connected: All suffering is like my suffering, and all joy is like my joy. The impulse to serve emerges naturally and inevitably from this way of seeing. Lastly, fixing and helping are the basis of curing but not of healing. In 40 years of chronic illness, I have been helped by many people and fixed by a great many others who did not recognize my wholeness. All that fixing and helping left me wounded in some important and fundamental ways. Only service heals. ©Rachel Naomi Remen, "In the Service of Life." Wounded Healer Press, 1991, Institute for the Study of Health & Illness at Commonweal
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